@*#%&

I have been, of late, looking for a word which will eradicate curse words from my daily vocabulary. A few days ago, I was thrilled to find that "Bugger!" had entirely replaced shitdamnassholepissfuckcuntcocksuckermotherfucker* as the response to unpleasant, surprising, frustrating, or otherwise aggravating events. However, last night, Lucy and Ellen were kind enough to inform me that "bugger," rather than signifying say, an insect, is actually verb which means to sodomize (You see, Lucy, there is a more genteel way of defining it than "Butt fuck," although I guess butt fuck carries the same lewd implications). Anyhow, I can't say "bugger" in good conscience any more. Lucy has suggested "pants," with a British accent, but I've yet to warm up to the idea. Let me know if you have any suggestions for a clean expletive. Doggone and any sort of long Italian phrase that means something to the effect of "Tarnation on the cruel, blasphemous winds of Fate which carry me to my doom!" are out of the question.

(*Don't you go picking on me for modifying George Carlin; I saw the man live! I have license! I got his blessing and it came in the form of him splashing me with the echinacea honey herb tea he was drinking to soothe an itch in his throat the night of the performance. Part of this is true.)