Re-entry

I told someone today that I didn't even want to go to ultimate frisbee practice and he said, "Wow, something must really be wrong with you."

And there is. Since freshman fall I have not not wanted to play ultimate or throw if given the chance. But I arrived back at school late Thursday night, and went to practice on Friday and then two days of a tournament for which my poor excuse of a body was not ready by any means. Load jet lag onto general out-of-shapeness onto no longer being a rookie on a undermanned team, and you get a little Asian who's neither speedy nor fierce. I have been back at school for four entire days now (back in the States for five), and I'm still sitting here very uncomfortable with my new surroundings, the old atmosphere of Harvard, the absurdity that is college, and the terrible, big empty sadness that I find to be distinctly American.

I played a lot of ultimate this summer, and yet the tournament was a slap in the face--physically and mentally. Forget the physical part--I can get in shape, start running and lifting and swimming--but it's the mental attack that's astounding. I'd forgotten what it felt like to have the pressure, the strange reminders of the politics of an all-female team, the implicit expectations, the tacit understanding and acknowledgement that everything is a competition to be won, that we ought to be better, that we ought to have INTENSITY, yada yada yada. I played a lot of ultimate this summer, but it was all for love of the game. Playing for hours in rain and muck, or through ungodly humidity and sun, layouts and battle scars and the big guys getting pissed on bad plays or bad D--it was all intense, and some of it was really good playing, but none of it ever left a bitter taste. A bad point was a bad point but it carried no repercussions. Celebrations were never forced for the sake of team morale. It was good disc with no strings attached. There's so much bullshit to be caught up in here.

And it doesn't just apply to Ultimate. It's just the general college (or perhaps Harvard) view of things. Everything for the sake of image or impression, everything for the fear of results and repercussions. It's this general feeling of intensity to the point of unfocused frenzy--it's all very meaningless and I don't know what to do about it. Most likely nothing. Classes will start and maybe I can bury my nose in the books and tune out everything else.